Void Screamer
I post thoughts, essays, and comments here.
Writing is hard, but not for the reasons you think.

Have you ever tried to get ketchup out of a glass bottle? You can't just turn it upside down, because the bottleneck will create a vacuum and prevent any sauce from getting onto your fries. You have to tilt it just so, and smack it just right to get the right amount of ketchup onto the right part of your plate. 

Incorrect amount of tilt, and you get it on your pants. Too much smack, and you get way more than you could possibly use in one sitting. Get both parts wrong, and suddenly your aunt who took you out for the first decent meal you've had in weeks is calculating just how much bleach she'll need to get the ketchup stain out of her favorite shirt.

I'm about to go on a way-too-long tangent to explain why writing is just like that scenario right there, ketchup bottle, aunt, and all. So get comfortable, grab a pop and some popcorn, and hold on to your keyboards, because this winding ramble won't make too much sense until it's almost over.

Writers and artists are a special breed. I like to think everyone has a little spark of creativity in them, but artists and writers and musicians and the like choose to nurture that spark until it grows into this all-consuming flame. It takes a certain measure of eccentricity and unhinged-ness to continue stoking the fire of creativity and getting high off the smoke of the muse. So we, the eccentric, artistic types, become connoisseurs of those things, learning to harness them and use them to our benefit, chasing them down wherever we can find them. 

And the benefit we receive is rarely something tangible, like money. It's usually something abstract and indescribable, like euphoria. Let's be honest here, the phrase "starving artist" exists for a very real reason. Making a living as a writer is a huge feat because so few people can do that. But man cannot live off of bread alone! Artists and writers need to create in order to survive. Otherwise, life stops being worth living.  

The act of creating is unequivocally addicting, and no two artists get the same high from it. But we all crave it, and constantly. And I have a theory about why it feels so good to pat our ketchup out onto those proverbial fries for an audience, any audience at all (even just ourselves!) to admire and critique. Ready to learn why authors are ketchup bottles? Okay, here we go.

Everyone, including you, has entire worlds inside them waiting to be explored. Within each of us are entire planets full of people just waiting to exist. You, and I, and everyone we know, are walking multiverses, and what's inside is different for every single person. We may all hold variations of some similar thing or another, but the individual details, the subtle nuances, the intricacies are all unique. They're born of experience and synapses and epigenetics and internal language.

And creative types, like myself, hear the call of those worlds and those people clear as day. We sometimes find ourselves so full to the brim with screaming galaxies and shouting cities, that the bottleneck gets blocked and we have to go in with our fingers and open up an air pocket just so we can breathe. And that's what makes writing so hard for so many of us!

Imagine being full to bursting, all the way up to your bottleneck, with stories and characters and ideas and worlds and all the fun things that fuel the fire of creativity... but it's all trying to come out at once! Someone has turned the full-up bottle upside down and nothing is coming out! That, to me, is the hardest part about being a writer -- or any form of creative-type-being. 

I was stuck upside down for a long time, but I think I've finally found the tilt and force that works for me, at least right now. Words and universes are pouring out of me, and I just wanted to celebrate that with you. 

Thanks for reading. I hope you're doing well. The sun is returning, at last! 

Sincerely,

Your favorite author.
I am a goal-oriented person, but not in the way most people claim to be. I like to set dream goals, ones that I know are pretty near impossible to reach, and then fail at them spectacularly. It is my version of shooting for the moon and landing among the stars. My math will always be off, my expectations will always be too high -- which is why I love NaNoWriMo. 

NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month, a movement by authors to encourage each other to get words on the page, no matter how ugly or messy. 50,000 words, the minimum for a novel-length work, is always the goal. If you achieve that goal or surpass it, you win! And if not? Well, that's okay, too.

Have I won before? Yes!

Was it worth it? No!

I was left with an uneditable draft. I scrapped over 50% of that draft in editing and then decided the whole story would be better as a short story -- be sure to look for it next year in an anthology!

I was also left with a lot of burnout. I pushed through that and rolled into a year of MilWordY, which definitely left my creative well completely dry by 300,000 words. Everything I created that year is mostly garbage. One of those stories is being repurposed as a short story in Story Den's 2023 Spooky Season anthology. It only took me nearly 8 years to revise it into a workable draft. Once again, 50,000 words were stripped down to less than half. 

In more recent years, NaNoWriMo has not been about winning. For me, it has been about starting a new year of writing projects. Instead of pouring my entirety into a one-month project I won't touch for ten years, I use November for whatever phase my next manuscript is in. Are we outlining? Drafting? Revising? Cleaning it up? 

I've found this method to be more gentle on my creative process and more conducive to my capacity for long-term creativity. And, in the end, that is the intended purpose of this month-long event; to get us all more active in our writing lives.

It was never about winning. And to realize that has been a very freeing aspect of my writing journey. So I set the goal of writing 50,000 words each November, and I revel in my failure. Because when I go at my own pace, instead of the harried 1667-words-per-day, no-edits-allowed scramble, I wind up with a workable draft that I don't hate (usually).

We all wish we could have a workable draft in a month. In reality, self-pub books take about a year to two years to complete. You draft one, you take a break, you fix it, you take a break, you fix it again, you make your marketing material, you format, you fix it again, you publish, you fix those few typos you missed the first several passes.

Some people work faster than others, but I've learned to recognize the pace that works best for me. This year, I am working on rewriting Revolution Ascending, which I wrote over the course of 2020 and 2021. I'm expanding it into parts, fleshing out characters, and filling in plot holes. It will be ready to publish in 2023, and is actually already available for preorder on Amazon KDP.

To any writers reading this who are stressed about reaching that 50k in one month: I challenge you to look at the spirit and intention behind NaNoWriMo. Does your high stress level help you embody that spirit? Or is it holding you back?

That's all for now.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! I wanted to discuss something that is near and dear to my heart. As many of you know, I am a full-time student at an online university. I have been attempting to obtain a degree since 2014, having had to take breaks to save up money for years, then pausing work to attend college for a year, and then going back to work. I now have some disabilities that make it difficult to maintain a job so I am using federal funding and scholarships to cover my college expenses. As I've entered the last year and a half of my college degree, I have decided to reflect on the difficulties faced by transgender and gender-nonconforming individuals within academia.

There continues to be a deficit for college funding and academic career opportunities for transgender students. Despite increased visibility and acceptance in many parts of society, trans people still face discrimination in many areas of life, including in education. And, even with the progress that has been made over the past decade or so, we are currently seeing a resurgence in anti-queer legislature across the United States. Such growth in harmful rhetoric encourages discrimination against queer people within academia.

Transgender students often have difficulty accessing financial aid and scholarships, as well as other forms of support from their institutions. This can make it difficult for them to pursue their academic goals. Transgender students often face discrimination from their peers and professors. This can make it difficult for them to feel comfortable and supported in their academic environment. Many transgender individuals engage in nontraditional career fields -- such as sex work -- as a form of survival. Unfortunately, such career fields are looked down upon by universities, and can even result in the loss of enrollment eligibility in those institutions.

Another form of discrimination transgender people face is in the form of grant, scholarship, fellowship, and award applications. Many require the applicant to select "male" or "female." Many of these are only available to those two genders. But what if the applicant is nonbinary or genderfluid? They are not represented and therefore cannot honestly apply.

Sometimes, scholarships require applicants to demonstrate examples of community service, volunteer work, or former achievements. That doesn't seem problematic on the surface, but there are hidden issues with such requirements. A lot of the LGBTQ+ community work is done for queer people, by queer people, in silence. Students may not be able to provide evidence of ways they helped their community in private. And even for those who had an opportunity to participate in a recorded extracurricular activity, their preferred name might not be used on the documentation. 

And what about the transgender and nonbinary folk who don't have time for extracurricular activities because they have been busy trying to survive? What of those who are working two or three jobs, but are not able to gain promotions or raises due to employer discrimination? And what of those who are afraid to upset the status quo by asking for different hours or better pay, for fear they may have just given their employer a "real" reason to cut their hours to almost nothing or fire them altogether?

Some even struggle to gain jobs due to transphobic discrimination in the job market. The bias to hire cis-het-passing individuals may not be intentional or overt, but it is there. And for some students, this might not be an issue because they can ask for family support. But transgender individuals have a high rate of alienation and estrangement from their families due to transphobia.

These challenges, and more, can make it difficult for transgender students to secure academic funding. However, there are a few organizations and programs that are working to support trans students in higher education. One such organization is the Transgender First Scholarship group, for whom I am writing this blog post. This blog post is part of my application to receive a scholarship from their organization.

With continued effort, it is hoped that these challenges can be overcome and that transgender students will be able to fully participate in and benefit from college life.

Thanks for reading! I hope this gives you a better understanding of the college experience for transgender students, as well as the challenges they face in securing funding for their academic pursuits. If you would like to learn more about how you can support trans students, you can visit the Transgender First Scholarship's website. Thank you!
Today we are reviewing the first three books in the Horus Heresy, which are Horus Rising, False Gods, and Galaxy in Flames. I’m doing all three together because I think they actually work better as a single book than as three separate ones, and I’ll get into that a little bit later. Overall, I give the first 3 books a 6.3/10. The first book, Horus Rising, was a 3/10, the second, False Gods, was a 5/10, and the third, Galaxy in Flames, was a 9/10.

So, each of these books was actually written by a different author. We have, in order, Dan Abnett, Graham McNeill, and Ben Counter, and their writing styles are actually pretty distinctive when you read them one after the other, but each of these guys end up returning to write more stories in the Horus Heresy, so their voices end up carrying through pretty far into the whole book series. The entire Horus Heresy series is classified as Grim Dark, even though, in my opinion, you wouldn’t exactly know it until the second or third book in if you didn’t know anything about Warhammer when you started reading it.

That said, we all know that Black Library only really started taking off in the past 15 years or so, so it can be assumed the audience these stories were initially meant for was people who already knew about Warhammer and really just wanted to get deeper into the lore. Obviously, that’s changed. GWS wants to get more people excited about their universe, and Black Library is an excellent means to reach people like me who are less interested in playing the game, and more interested in reading the stories of the people who exist within the 40k and AoS universes. All of that in mind, these first three books in the Horus Heresy series are geared toward adults who enjoy reading science fiction and grim dark fiction with a militaristic theme, but especially toward those who want to find out what exactly happened in pre-40k times that lead things to be the way they are now in the 41st millennium.

Alright, so here comes the summary of all three books. It’s going to be long, and there will be spoilers!

Alright, here we go. In book one we are introduced to several characters. We meet 3 Primarchs: Horus, Rogal Dorn, and Sanguinius. We meet several Luna Wolves, including Garviel Loken, the Mournival, and Maloghurst. There are some Emperor’s Children and people from a few other legions, and some Remembrancers.

The main character of these books is technically Garviel Loken, but by the end of it the focus includes Remembrancers Kyril Sindermann, Euphrati Keeler, and Mersadie Oliton as well. A lot happens in this book, but it boils down to Loken getting accepted into Horus’ inner circle, discovering the existence of lodges in the Astartes ranks, learning about the Warp, and attempting come to terms with the nuances of it all while maintaining his “humanity,” which everyone seems to praise him for in this book. We meet the megarachnids, a xenos species, and the interex, humans, which the Astartes inevitably wipe out. We also get the first hints of the cult forming based around the Lectitio Devinitatus. The Luna Wolves change their names to the Sons of Horus, a galaxy-shaking semi-sentient weapon (called the Anathame) is stolen from the Interex, and the Vengeful Spirit moves on toward the moon, Davin.

The main purpose of this book is to set the stage for the next two books. It took me actual months to read through this whole book, because, let’s face it, it’s really, really dry. It’s all exposition, with a little bit of action, and the smallest dose of intrigue. It only picks up toward the last third of the book, but it’s still worth the read because you end up meeting most of the key players in the first three books of this 50+ book series, and many of the events you read later on in the series can be traced back to this book right here.

It also gives us a feel for the culture within the Luna Wolves (Sons of Horus). While I agree the writers were still finding their footing during the first three books, they did a decent job of illustrating what brotherhood looks like to Astartes.

Book two, False Gods, is broken into four parts. This book is much easier to enjoy right off the bat, compared to Horus Rising. We are briefly introduced to Magnus the Red, there is character development for Maloghurst, Abaddon, Torgaddon, “Little Horus” Aximand, Loken, and all the Remembrancers. This is the book where we begin to see Horus start to come unraveled. 

The battle that takes place on Davin, where Horus faces down the Warp monstrosity that was once his friend, and Loken and Torgaddon and their men fighting off god-awful Warp-zombie-astartes is some spectacular imagery I will not soon forget. During this fight, Horus is badly wounded by the Anathame, wielded by his Warp-ridden friend. The Astartes trample a bunch of common folk on their way to take Horus to the apothecary. Because the Primarchs have special, unknowable anatomy, the apothecaries can’t really help Horus so he gives his valediction to a Remembrancer they recently picked up.

Obviously, Horus survives, but only by the magick of a warrior-lodge on Davin. All of these events seem to have been orchestrated to happen, because the ritual that takes place over horus is what inevitably leads him to betray the Emperor. While he’s being healed, some of the Remembrancers accidentally summon a demon while translating the Book of Lorgar, and Euphrati Keeler ends up accidentally channeling the Emperor’s power to save them before collapsing into a coma. To me, this was the most mind-blowing part of the entire book, and I have re-read it a few times just to get as much detail as I can from it into my brain.

Horus then leads the 63rd expedition to a new goal. They meet the Auretian Technocracy and kills them in order to seize a tool they have called STCs, which are highly valuable. He promises them to Adept Regulus (who we met last book), in exchange for the Mechanicum’s support for his plan to overthrow the Emperor. During this time, the anathame also ends up with Fulgrim, who has his own book later on. Angron and his World Eaters help Horus and his Sons violently dispatch the Auretians without prejudice.

At the end of the book, Ignace Karkasy (one of the key remembrancers)is murdered. The remembrancer who took Horus’ valediction is also murdered. Loken and Torgaddon team up and the Mournival is officially split down the middle as the 63rd heads toward the Isstvan system.

Book three, Galaxy in Flames, is the kind of book you can’t put down. It was my first time reading a Black Library book in less than a week. I would have given this book a 10/10 if I hadn’t read more BL books that I thought were even better than this one. Let’s get into it.

In this book we finally meet my favorite primarch, Mortarion, and my favorite Death Guard character, Nathaniel Garro. The remembrancers Ephrati Keeler, Kyril Sindermann, and Mersadie Oliton actually play really big roles in this book instead of being quasi-secondary characters. 

So Horus has four primarchs on his side at this point and they need to clean house in their legions. They arrive at the Isstvan system and are supposedly there to crush the rebellion occurring there. The book starts off with some epic scenes taking place on the Vengeful Spirit, one of which involves Euphrati Keeler, now hailed as a prophet, waking up from her coma as Sindermann and two of his allies try to transport her, and casting some sort of spell on their attacker, so that he can barely move and his bullets fire in slow motion. 

On Isstvan extremis, Captain Garro is badly wounded by something called a Warsinger, but another Astarte, Lord Commander Eidolon, is able to kill the Warsinger with a sonic shriek. Thanks to a curious member of the legion, Saul Tarvitz, we end up seeing a laboratory where an apothecary is making surgical enhancements on legion members. This seems strange to include at this point in time, but it gets touched on again as a key point in another book. Horus sends an assault force to Isstvan that includes Loken and Torgaddon.

Tarvitz is actually the one who finds out Horus’ plan to kill his own Astartes on Isstvan’s surface (and the cooperation of the other primarchs to the same end). He manages to find an ally in Nathaniel Garro of the Death Guard, who was chilling on the Eisenstein due to his injuries. Garro helps cover Tarvitz drop pod as he descends to the surface to warn the Astartes there of the impending danger, then prepares to jump to the Warp. This is the beginning part of my favorite book in the Horus Heresy, Flight of the Eisenstein, which I’ll review next.

So on the surface are Sons of Horus, World Eaters, Emperor’s Children, and Death Guard who were deemed by their primarchs to be too loyal to the Emperor to live. Euphrati Keeler actually receives a vision of what is about to unfold on Isstvan and tells Oliton and Sindermann. Most of the forces on Isstvan die by virus bombs and the following orbital strike that ignites the gas in the atmosphere and burns the entire planet. It’s broadcast to all the Vengeful Spirit remembrancers, who had been gathered in a room to be killed, unaware of the fate that was about to befall them. Thankfully, Sindermann, Oliton, and Keeler manage to escape alongside a sympathetic elderly third captain, Iacton Qruze.

At this point, Horus loses control over what is going on at Isstvan. Angron drops down with his world eaters to attack the survivors, The two sides of the mournival face off to the death, and basically it’s a bloody mess and it seems like every loyalist dies. Obviously we find out later there are survivors, but I won’t go into that right now. The final scenes show Abaddon full-fledged angry, Aximand depressed from having to kill Torgaddon, and Loken being buried beneath the rubble of what was probably the only building left standing after the planet’s bombardment by the fleet above. 

So that's the summary. I know, my description did not do the story any kind of justice! But this was just the recap. In next week's post will talk about the characters and plot with a little more detail and a little more commentary from me. 

These book review posts will not usually be so long, but this time I reviewed 3 books in one go, which is kind of a lot for one post!