My body is one big callosity.

I do not want you to perceive this as a cry for help. Please. Words are useless and they will sink into oblivion, this is an endless spiral, endless roller coasters. I drive so fast that I can't hear you!  You can’t help. I will just wait. If you want, you can wait peacefully with me.

I am very bad in talking these days. Thank you for your patience.

I know that in a week, sooner or later, I will read these words and see in them only letters, symbols, black on white. I can’t grasp the meaning and understand my past self, my feelings. They will not mean anything. As now, what I felt a week ago has disappeared, I do not remember myself. I can remember my actions, but these are only mechanical movements. I do not remember how I felt. I know what it was called. Joy. And for me it’s just symbols... I don’t remember what it is.  And the feelings which I write this with, I will forget soon too. And so it will be in a circle.

The worst I felt this morning. So 8 hours of explicit depressive episode for now and it feels like... There is nothing left. Time stopped.  It seems as though it will always be so now. My life is broken, I can’t do anything, I have lost everything I had, everything good. Everyone forgot me, I mean nothing, I can’t do anything.

I have experienced it several times already when after big joy depression comes. As this time. 

No matter how aware I am in depression/panic attacks, this consciousness never makes it easier. 
Like water and oil, my emotions and logic do not mix, they cannot fight, they cannot suppress each other.  They just exist together.

First words I wanted to put here were “I am sorry” and so many times I was told I should not be sorry and say that but I always feel I must. I can’t resist  “being sorry”, I feel very guilty every time it happens. I mean this mental downfall. I feel I don’t acquit... Don’t meet expectations. And it only makes my condition worse even if that fear is irrational.

Actually no one need other’s problems and dramas, that’s true. Everyone has their own pain and it is the strongest and the most important. It is impossible to compare people’s woes, no matter how “big” or “small” they can be subjectively.